feeling out of place
These past months spent at home remind me of the same feeling of helplessness that I felt a few years ago as a child. I was used to staying at home instead of experiencing the first dates with my friends. I have felt out of place my entire life, as though unable to reach society’s standards. Sometimes I would feel ‘too intelligent’ to go out and play with my peers. Other times, ‘not beautiful enough’ to walk alongside other girls who looked so charming in my eyes. Sometimes I would feel ‘too sad’ to go to that party and properly
enjoy the night. Back then, I felt like a prisoner of my own thoughts. Now I feel like a prisoner of something external. But does it really matter why we feel like prisoners? Because, in the end, we cannot escape from the feeling. As I grew up, I realised that the childhood fears I used to hate were much better than what I find myself fearing in adolescence. Actually, many times, when we live in the moment, we mainly notice the negative attitudes we have, but when the moment passes, these negative attitudes
become blurred and we are left remembering it fondly. It has happened with my childhood memories, and I can see it is happening with people’s nostalgic memories of life before lockdown. I’ve read countless social media posts from people who claim to miss the way their lives were before. But did any of them truly enjoy the way things used to be? Don’t you remember complaining about going to work, being tired all the time, never having time for yourself? Don’t you remember complaining about family obligations when all you wanted to do was see your friends or read that new book? Don’t you remember all the times you wanted to change something in your life, but never had the courage to do so? We were not as free as we think we were. Of course, we were more free than during these months, but please, do not let this lockdown mess with your feelings. Do not forget that even before quarantine we were prisoners; maybe of our minds, fears, work, lifestyle, or society. This pandemic is detrimental; it has taken away from us our freedom of movement, to go wherever we want, the ability to travel, to meet our friends and loved ones. Yet this is also a reminder that we should not go back to who we were before. We should become someone new. We should give a different meaning to the word ‘freedom’. No longer should we let our fears and negative feelings control us. I do not want to feel out of place again, I want to be free to accept myself as I am. It must not be read in any philosophical way. It just means that, now that the pandemic is almost over, I won’t allow myself to lose time on things I no longer appreciate, nor stress about meeting society’s standards. I have already spent too much time. What is the point in being free in my movements but stuck in my fear of not being enough for society? I want a complete and full feeling of freedom.
I want to be truly free.
Editors for feeling out of place not yet setup.
Resonance is the first collection of creative writing digitally published by Ta Voix, and will hopefully be the first of many. Everything within these digital bindings has been lovingly created by young writers, and meticulously edited and produced by young publishers. We are not yet professionals, but we deserve the chance to be.
Not only will this collection of poetry and prose resonate with you, but the anthology will be resounding. We loudly, and clearly proclaim that the literary industry needs to diversify, it needs transparency, and it needs change.
Trigger warnings: mentions of blood, physical violence and self-harm are present on some pages. Please read at your discretion.
First published by Ta Voix 2020
Copyright retained by the individual authors. Ta Voix has been granted the non-exclusive right to exhibit these works. No part of this anthology may be reproduced without prior written permission of the individual copyright owners, except for the use of cited quotation.